If You Really Knew Me...

If you really knew me you would see that I am more than what I appear to be. Yes I am a very open person. So I don't have much to hide. But there are those things and I have kept them hidden for a reason. You would know what strange things I get angry at. It may be something totally random and sometimes its directed towards someone but it just about hits home. To know someone you have to have earned their trust otherwise the relationship you are in with that person, may it be friendship or possibly more, wont be going anywhere. If you really knew me you'd know I trust easily. I forgive easily. I overlook things easily. I am put down easily. I take things easily. I let others walk all over me and tell me what I think. This may not be good. I need to have people earn my trust because I have had way to many people abuse it. I need to know that people make mistakes, but when they make the same one over and over again, its time to realize they will never change and stop giving second chances. I need to stop trying to find the silver lining in something when it isn't there and I need to live in the present. I can take constructive criticism but when you criticize me because you can it hurts. I may not show it on the outside but when I go home I'm a mess. I cant stop thinking about what you said. I don't know how to say "no". This isn't meant in a sexual or dirty way at all. Its just when people ask me for something I get up and do it. I let people use me like that among other things (not sex related. I promise.) and I know it needs to stop but I don't like hurting other people. I know things. People don't think I do. They think I'm just another dumb blond. Everything I say to someone or every question I ask gets looked at like, "Did you really just say that? How could you be so stupid??" Now maybe that's not really how people mean to look at me but that's what I feel. And when I do know something it just gets looked over and they don't take it for granted that I can help them now. I wont be able to soon. And when someone tells me something I believe it. I am one of the gullible types yes but only when I feel you are being 100% serious. EXAMPLE: Say we are talking about prop 404. Someone says to me, "I don't see why people would say no to it. It doesn't even raise your taxes." I know that's not true because how else are they gonna get the money? Pull it out of their ass? But here I go and say, "Yeah they do. Right?" Person I am talking to says, "No. It doesn't." Me, "Oh. Okay." WHY THE HELL CANT I STAND UP FOR MYSELF?!

You see? I have faults like everyone else. And this doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of my imperfections. I'm only human. But if you really knew me... You'd know i have self doubt. Which is only a vague way of saying everything I just said.

Xoxo. Caitlin Lorraine.